Should I start posting again?

When I started this blog I was in this transition. It felt like I was floating among all the galaxies in the universe, floating, falling, waiting . . . with time I felt it all . . . came . . . together. In this season of thankfulness and giving, I must say the people I have met, the places I have been: I couldn't have asked for more. My road to self discovery was an adventurous one for sure. And for that I am truly and utterly thankful.

I am happy. I've got a cozy home with whom I share my family with: my husband and a dog I call my own :) I have a job, a tough one at that, which challenges me every single day. I am healthy, although I personally have self inflicted anxiety about things I could, or should be doing. Overall, life is good.

But . . .

Yes, there is a "but." BUT what I really want to talk about is how to be a wife. Something I have difficulty being, or feeling it is something I am good at. How can I be a good wife? Initially this sounds likes such a childish, elementary question, but in all honesty, I can't answer this question.

I feel like I am being stretched to the limits. I am tired. Really tired. Exhausted. And when I think about it, I'm not even a mother! I can't even imagine what that would be like. I say these things because I work hard. Very hard for what I do. Nursing is more than just tasks and skills to complete during the day. I feel like I am emotionally and physically invested in all my patients: Five of them, every single day from the minute I walk into the door to the minute I come home. Every part of me, my being, my self is for someone else. Someone I do not know, they are not family, they are not my children, they are strangers who I happen to cross paths with. Imagine standing in line at the grocery store: look at five different people and picture taking care of them when they are at their most vulnerable. Think about feeding them, turning them, cleaning them, medicating them, advocating for them. They are on your mind non-stop and you are analyzing EVERYTHING . . . down to each breath. It is hard. Not to mention all the family members and baggage they all drag into the hospital.

My point is this: I invest so much in my job. I invest so much in my house by trying to keep it a home. I invest in my husband and try to support him in all avenues of his life. But I am concerned I am spread too thin. I've been told, in order to be a good nurse, take care of yourself first. In order to be a good wife, remember you are an individual first. But how can I support my job, this household, my husband, and even family without losing me? Do all these things and also sparing time and energy for me? I'm losing motivation and me is the first to go.

I spread myself along way too many streets. It has come to my attention I used to do things for people out of my desire, out of genuine caring. Sometimes, in my family, I am the one helps out, who doesn't bargain. I do things for family and friends because they ask and because that's me. Currently, I feel I am obligated. Have I become this callous and stone cold? I can even sense a tipping point: if I hear one more piece of "constructive criticism," or one more "favor," well, that would be the end of me. Why do I do this? Why don't I protect my time?  I am concerned I am not being the wife, the companion, the partner, the teammate I know my husband saw in me when we met.

I must expose what is on my mind: Do women feel more of an obligation to keep things together? Do they feel more pressure? At this time, I feel it. And I don't know how to balance in all out.

I was on this road to self actualization, and found the ME I searched so hard for . . . I can't and I won't let if slip away from my fingers.