Should I start posting again?

When I started this blog I was in this transition. It felt like I was floating among all the galaxies in the universe, floating, falling, waiting . . . with time I felt it all . . . came . . . together. In this season of thankfulness and giving, I must say the people I have met, the places I have been: I couldn't have asked for more. My road to self discovery was an adventurous one for sure. And for that I am truly and utterly thankful.

I am happy. I've got a cozy home with whom I share my family with: my husband and a dog I call my own :) I have a job, a tough one at that, which challenges me every single day. I am healthy, although I personally have self inflicted anxiety about things I could, or should be doing. Overall, life is good.

But . . .

Yes, there is a "but." BUT what I really want to talk about is how to be a wife. Something I have difficulty being, or feeling it is something I am good at. How can I be a good wife? Initially this sounds likes such a childish, elementary question, but in all honesty, I can't answer this question.

I feel like I am being stretched to the limits. I am tired. Really tired. Exhausted. And when I think about it, I'm not even a mother! I can't even imagine what that would be like. I say these things because I work hard. Very hard for what I do. Nursing is more than just tasks and skills to complete during the day. I feel like I am emotionally and physically invested in all my patients: Five of them, every single day from the minute I walk into the door to the minute I come home. Every part of me, my being, my self is for someone else. Someone I do not know, they are not family, they are not my children, they are strangers who I happen to cross paths with. Imagine standing in line at the grocery store: look at five different people and picture taking care of them when they are at their most vulnerable. Think about feeding them, turning them, cleaning them, medicating them, advocating for them. They are on your mind non-stop and you are analyzing EVERYTHING . . . down to each breath. It is hard. Not to mention all the family members and baggage they all drag into the hospital.

My point is this: I invest so much in my job. I invest so much in my house by trying to keep it a home. I invest in my husband and try to support him in all avenues of his life. But I am concerned I am spread too thin. I've been told, in order to be a good nurse, take care of yourself first. In order to be a good wife, remember you are an individual first. But how can I support my job, this household, my husband, and even family without losing me? Do all these things and also sparing time and energy for me? I'm losing motivation and me is the first to go.

I spread myself along way too many streets. It has come to my attention I used to do things for people out of my desire, out of genuine caring. Sometimes, in my family, I am the one helps out, who doesn't bargain. I do things for family and friends because they ask and because that's me. Currently, I feel I am obligated. Have I become this callous and stone cold? I can even sense a tipping point: if I hear one more piece of "constructive criticism," or one more "favor," well, that would be the end of me. Why do I do this? Why don't I protect my time?  I am concerned I am not being the wife, the companion, the partner, the teammate I know my husband saw in me when we met.

I must expose what is on my mind: Do women feel more of an obligation to keep things together? Do they feel more pressure? At this time, I feel it. And I don't know how to balance in all out.

I was on this road to self actualization, and found the ME I searched so hard for . . . I can't and I won't let if slip away from my fingers.

I'm Guilty of This

How come people don't talk anymore? We live in this world where entertainment revolves around youtube videos, facebook, twitter, etc. We work and we go home to watch TV, catch up on sports, or even tasks around the house.  We have these "To Do:" lists taking space in our minds while life literally passes by. Life isn't pretty by any means and maybe we purposefully try to avoid it. We ignore the news, we ignore the government shutdown because we've lost all hope in anyone getting anything worthwhile done. We talk about so called "family drama." We gossip. Some people say they don't want to talk about politics because "It's personal." "It causes arguments." But I say:
"The more we TALK, the more we learn."
"The more we listen, the more we learn."
But who and what do we listen to? Youtube, facebook, twitter. Fox news vs MSNBC vs CNN vs NPR. Ha. Is that it?
What happened to talking at the dinner table and discussing life, travel, literature, religion, the world? It can be inspirational and it should be.

I read about a study where blood pressure rises while watching the news. No wonder we try to avoid the big picture. Frankly it's depressing and seemingly unhealthy. But we are missing the point. I'm telling you, Engage in something. Or find what life can really be about. Because the hope that came from pandora's box is traveling farther and farther out of sight and that is what is so cruel. We are suffering and we don't even know it. We cannot progress in this world without engaging in it.

If we don't talk and discuss life, or even live life, we are going to crumble from within, and my oh my, isn't that lonely.

Rebuilding

I've avoided this blog for a couple of reasons. One, it's been awhile since I've had any quarky, funny moments that should be repeated, or that I know my audience would enjoy. Secondly, and I'm presuming this to be the main reason, is because I think that writing only magnifies the voices in my head and I'm not sure those voices should get any louder . . . but maybe I can get rid of them by just letting them out . . . here it goes . . .

I'm tired. Really, really tired. My life revolves around night shifts and taking care of other people and even writing that sentence angers me: To say "life revolves around work" drives me practically insane. And I'm sure my personality reflects that too. I loathe leaving my house at 10:30pm for work. I spend my days off recovering. The word "rebuilding" comes to mind. But before I know it I'm back to work. Have I really rebuilt my life, or myself, at all?

In nursing school we talked about how I wouldn't be able to properly take care of patients unless I properly take care of myself first. I thought: I know what makes me happy, I know what I can do to take care of myself, I'm meant to be a nurse so it wouldn't be a problem. What I didn't account for is the fact that after nursing school I moved to a new place. I started over. All over.

I moved away from things that made me happy . . . to love.

Isn't that odd? Although love makes me happy, it can't be the only thing that does. Right? It would be unhealthy. I would be relying on something that is not concrete. Love is never a sure thing, so why do I plan, and rely on something so big to be "the thing" that makes me happy? Why do I think I will be taken care of with love?

Understand this: my faith used to guide every decision I made. I used to think that because God loved me, I would be taken care of. Every ounce of my body believed that God would love me and take care of me and protect me. No matter how hard life was, LOVE would take care of me. And boy, oh boy, I couldn't have been more wrong! I ran away as fast as I could from that perspective and from then on, I've never been happier. I stopped relying on love and started relying on myself.

So here I am, unrealistically thinking that love is going to take care of me? How did I get back here again?!! It's lonely. I'm lonely.

But that's the thing, I've never been so lucky, or blessed, to have this love. It's something so rare I can hardly believe I have it. It's unbelievable really. But I'm missing this entire aspect of my life which I knew made me happy and made me who I am. And so what do I do??

I keep trekking along. Keep moving forward and trying to build my life where I am. It takes me awhile to feel comfortable, to get to know people. Even in a room full of people I feel alone. But I know that eventually, I'll find my peace and my sanctuary here. I'll find people I can be me around. I'll find people who have similar perspectives and lifestyles like mine. It just takes a while. I'm trying to do this all while I'm trying to take care of other people. And I'm tired. And sometimes I miss my old sanctuary, my place, my friends.

Aphids

Aphids - Also known as plant lice.

I like to buy mostly organic produce. I am not particularly fond of the idea of putting any chemical in my body. Especially if it happens to be raw. My fear of ingesting chemicals is slightly higher than swallowing little bugs. Recently that has always been my thought process . . . . until the other day.

I had bought some organic broccoli for lunch and someone had mentioned the term Aphids. I responded nonchalantly, "Oh, well, I'd rather eat bugs than chemicals." I packed my lunch of carrots, cucumbers, and broccoli in a Tupperware container and headed out for the day.

As I ate through my vegetables during lunch I thought about the conversation I had had earlier and I couldn't help but dig through the tendrils of the broccoli. To my amazement I found a little bug buried deep in the lush forest it had called a home. I dug deeper and more thoroughly and to my wandering eyes I found more. And more. And more. Disgusted, I threw away the piece I had and lifted most of the broccoli out of the container and found more bugs atop the cucumbers. I sat there motionless and stunned as they lay on the light green canvas of sliced cucumber.

Now I don't give up, and I want to eat broccoli. The next day I made sure to rinse the broccoli more thoroughly with a more powerful and steady stream of water. I even let the broccoli strain awhile in the hopes the lingering aphids would drop through into the sink.

Unfortunately, it happened again. Not as many, but still there nonetheless. Since then, I hesitate to buy organic broccoli, or any for that matter. But if I do, I cook it, steam it, saute it. Anything to kill the aphids.

Anxiety

I always thought I managed stress fairly well. I maintain my composure, I make logical decisions, and overall, I am level headed in times of stress. I may have anxiety over a significant period of time; however, I was caught off guard by a reaction I had, provoking an extreme amount of anxiety.
Here is the story:
I was hanging out with fellow nursing graduates, having such a great time reminiscing, recalling hysterical patient stories, and enjoying eachother's company. Of course the topic of the impending NCLEX studying came to the surface. Now, it just so happens the nursing school has a database of questions called the NCLEX 4000. Question after question from previous NCLEX exams to help us succeed and pass this mountain of a test. A friend of mine asked if I planned on going to the school of nursing to practice those questions.
Almost immediately, I started to laugh thinking why would I want to go back to the school of nursing? I thought about getting on the bus, walking into the 1st floor where all our lectures had taken place, passing our mailboxes . . . and there began my anxiety. My heart started to race, my face became flushed, and my core temperature had risen so quickly I could feel every pore dilate as the heat rushed to my skin. I could feel sweat develop on my face and on my chest. It was unbelievable. In the meantime, I'm laughing and crying imagining this scenario take place.
It was quite comedic and my friend even turned towards me, recalling a conversation we had earlier about my stress response, and said "See, I told you how stressed you were this past semester!"
The response I had completely took me off guard but it also reminded me of our mutual experience of getting through nursing school. Although we shared times of stress, we dealt with them in different ways and even suppressed them. I'm amazed by how resilient we all were. I got through stress by eating, exercising, venting (I'm sorry if you were ever part of that :)) sleepless nights, etc. etc. etc. Oh, there were definite times of insanity.
Unfortunately, I have to go to the NCLEX 4000. I hesitate. But I must. One friend stated she got to the computer lab the roundabout way, avoiding the 1st floor all together. I think I'll follow.

Just A Reminder - Adopt a Tree

Yesterday was 04.20 . . .

So, Besides National Smoking Day, 04.20 is also part of Earth Week. So, after burning so many plants, be sure to re-populate the earth with some other nice, fragrant greens :)

Quote from The Daily Tarheel

Late Night With Dre

There are nights like these where I have to remind myself . . . only a couple more months left. That is the only thing getting me through this . . .
I have been fortunate enough to work in the ER for my last clinical rotation. I have experienced more in the last 3 weeks than in one semester during these shifts and I can't tell you enough how much I've grown.
There is one small shortcoming . . . my shifts are weekend nights. My Friday and Saturday night are spent in the ER. I leave my home at 6pm and get home at 8am. I thought I was brilliant when I decided to come home earlier on sunday mornings, instead of a full shift, so I would still be able to be a student and get some studying done during the day. But oh, that has failed me!!! Do you know why??? Because, I lie awake at 2am trying to fall asleep for class Monday morning!! What a pain in my gluteus maximus!! I swear, this is the most frustrating part of my weekend . . . ha! What weekend??
My mind is running a mile a minute.