im reading this book and in it was a description of what prayer is and what meditation is. what it comes down to is meditation is listening. how often do we stop to listen? my instincts and my heart is how i make my choices. but in all actuality my thoughts override everything and i eventually become indecisive and undirected. what i really need is to listen and meditate and oh how i wonder how to do that. 

what im trying to say is i feel like i am waiting. i don't know what im waiting for or even whom im waiting for it seems ever since my strenuous trek to nursing school, i felt at least my road had a goal but now, im still waiting. i've found a great place for myself, i have a good job, a foot in the door kind of job, and i have family and friends around, and yet i feel like something is not right, something is missing. there have been definite times of prayer: asking, pleading, begging . . . but i never found or felt i heard anything because my thoughts drifted and worried. 

i just think i need to stop. i need to live in the moment and not think so much because it throws me off guard and it tosses and turns my head into loops. if i meditate on the moment, and revel in the second and let my thoughts disappear i think i would be more at peace. and i think thats all i want. 

tuesdays

tuesdays have always been a special day in the life of andrea. the reason being all new music comes out on tuesdays. there is no other day of the week where a new album is introduced to the public.
yesterday was tuesday june 2nd. as a reminder of this day, i placed a pink sticky note on my refrigerator as well as my bathroom mirror. i placed them strategically to be reminded of this day: dead center and eye level, which of course, almost all others would look down upon. what happened on june 2nd you ask?

Dave Matthews Band: Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King.

music helps me think. it provokes feelings, maybe some unnecessary ones, nonetheless, music makes me feel: my heart, my soul, my tears, my joy, my laughter, my spirit.

yesterday was a good day and even today, through work ups and downs, through good news and bad news, all i wanted to do was listen to my new music, because it would take me away from reality and allow me to let go. even for a moment.

so, i work at a long term care facility as a cna. i basically do the dirty work of the nurses, which includes, taking people to the bathroom, the shower, cleaning up "messes," dealing with people hacking up their food including a large variety of smells, so, funny story: (i would only tell my sister, but i do not feel ashamed typing it out)

i was putting one resident down for bed, let's call her tina. she spends 20 minutes in the bathroom, brushing her teeth, washing her face, and drinking cups and cups of water. she has an extreme personality, one which needs patience and love and is legally blind and can only see anything one inch from her face. so i finally get her into her bed and well, much to my embarrasment, i let out a silent fart. tina has a very keen sense of smell, which i was reminded of when she said "oh my goodness what is that smell? who did that?" you should have heard the disgust. please forgive me when i tell you i blamed it on her roommate. no joke. i feel terrible, but 98% of the time, it would have been her roomate. tina went on for about 2 minutes on how badly it smelled and how of course it was her roommate and not me, only her roommate could have let out that stench!
she finally exclaimed "oh my gosh! what did that woman eat!!!" and i do wonder, what i did eat.

ode to friends

dear friends . . . i have come to the realization i have been a poor friend to some. and i have to admit, with much embarrassment, i have no excuse. i hope you forgive me. but please, remember, there are a couple friends, one in particular, with whom i will always think about and care about even when we are both on our own, traveling, studying, working etc. remember "peace, love and flower power." and please, please, forgive me. 

the ultimate gift

i watched "Seven pounds" last night and i seem to be on the fence on how the movie made me feel. i guess, first, i have to determine whether it was realistic; however, realistic movie is an oxymoron, so that idea leads me to a dead end . . .
this idea, this overwhelming feeling of guilt leads to the ultimate gift: life. ironically, it also leads to the exact opposite: death. it is better to lose one life and save several.

what color nail polish are you wearing?

what color nailpolish are you wearing? i am currently wearing black. most people see black nail polish as a goth, or black sabbath, satan worshipping type of style but of course, that's not me. my college roomate turned me on to black nailpolish, which she wears very well by the way.
note: i remember as a kid (elementary school) i always wanted to wear pink, or red. maybe i thought it would make me feel older and prettier. but my mother never let me. i was painfully and obviously too young. much to my disappointment, and not to mention my impatience, i waited, and well, i ended up never wearing red or pink on my fingernails. ever. and well now . . . i enjoy black :) oh the irony. my poor mother i think she hates the black.

i didn't get into nursing school. the crush of defeat after waiting so long. i imagined writing on this blog describing life in chapel hill, the food, the people, the town...but for now, i'll describe the summer in jackson. i believe you felt and heard about the winters but now it's spring and soon to follow, summer. there will be swimming, biking, hiking, camping, floating and smoothies. oh yes, not to mention swimsuit tan lines, not goggle tan lines (i think i have a funky looking one as we speak).